Copyright 2005 Mark Myhre
As long as I live, I'll never forget the feeling of my mouth wrapped around the cold blue steel of the 6 ½ in. barrel of my Ruger Blackhawk .357 single action revolver.
I was so close to pulling the trigger. And nobody ever knew.
It seemed like I could turn on the 'manic' phase at will - and be as friendly and outgoing and talkative as the situation required. But as soon as I was alone again, I'd start sinking down, down, down.
Those days are long gone - and I doubt they're ever coming back. I've found too many tools I can use to feel better. (Mostly because I learned the value of embracing and releasing my emotions!)
But what do you do - when the argument to kill yourself becomes too strong? ...and a little too logical?
"Hey - I gave it my best shot. I tried. God knows I tried. But I failed. This pain will never end. C'mon Mark - you know that. Nothing could be worse than these feelings. You know you'll be doing the world a favor. Go ahead. Get it over with. Do it now..."
You hear that stuff in your head and you start believing it.
When you're in that place of total despair - your options become quite limited.
One option involves taking antidepressants. And under those circumstances - who could blame you?
In my opinion, this may perhaps be the only real situation where taking a depression medication truly qualifies as an appropriate response. Especially if you can't do the second option.
The second option involves understanding the many different emotional levels, and "working your way up the ladder". Climbing up from where you are now, to a different emotional state that feels better.
All emotions exists on a scale, from the most positively expansive down to the most negatively constrictive.
Most of the time, we feel stuck on whatever level we're at - especially when we're on the lower end of the scale.
True depression - along with the thoughts and feelings it generates - lies at the very bottom of this scale. Nothing is worse than severe depression. It's the lowest level of all possible emotional states.
See, when you're truly crushed by depression - you're not likely to just snap out of it and feel wonderful. At best, you'll usually fake it for a short time by going into manic behavior, and then end up right where you started from.
But if you can correctly identify where you're at right now - emotionally speaking - then you have a starting point with which to work. And once you have a starting point, then you can reach and stretch for the best possible thoughts and feelings available to you.
Loneliness is one step up from the crushing weight of depression. When you've reached the total despair of hopelessness and depression - even feeling painfully lonely is a step in the right direction.
Beyond that lies hate and rage. Being consumed with hate is two steps up from depression. Much better to feel hate than to feel depression.
Am I telling you to feel hate?
Yes, if you're currently lonely or depressed, definitely reach for your hate. Not to stay there, but as one step on the emotional ladder.
There's a lot of passion in hate.
If you're *not* lonely, depressed, hopeless, empty or hollow - then don't go for hate!
The goal is to always reach for a better feeling state.
It starts with knowing where you're at right now. It starts with awareness of what you're thinking and feeling.
If you will take a sheet of paper and write out all your thoughts -
and then take another sheet and write down all your feelings -
...you will begin to find your hope. And a tiny bit of your power.
"Going through" your emotions strengthens you. And one way to start going through your emotions is to write them down.
Go through your emotions. You could imagine yourself walking through a minefield or a battlefield, if that's what it takes. Embrace your emotions by walking into them. Release your emotions by walking out the other side. That's one way to embrace and release your emotions.
Anytime you embrace and release your thoughts and feelings - you'll find yourself a tiny bit stronger.
If you're depressed - write it out. Then FEEL what you've written. Then you can reach for loneliness.
If you're lonely, do the same with *those* thoughts and feelings, so you can reach for hate. Not to stay there, but as one step up the ladder.
(See the full list at http://www.emotional-times.com/blog.html)
The key is to STOP AVOIDING those horrible feelings. Instead, go *into* them and out the other side.
That's how you climb the ladder and start feeling better.
